Hippie Den Mother

“The psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal” This is a definition i found for motivation. what an interesting thing motivation is. i was wondering about this definition and why some people have so much and others so little. i of course fall into the latter category. don’t get me wrong, i get out of bed in the morning, feed myself, take care of my animals and husband. i’m talking about hard core motivation. or maybe just talking about the average motivation of a determined person.

we all know this person. the one in your school, work or social life that seems to have their shit together.  they have a plan of where their life is going and they make it happen. they say they want something and they get it. they don’t beg, borrow or steal, they work for it, the good old fashioned way. we are all motivated my a myriad of things whether it be money, reputation, fame, comfort, love, greed, hate or just because that’s all they know how to do. i have a motivation problem. i’m not quite sure what to do about this problem. i love coming up with grand ideas for my life, shit, not even that far off, my days. at night before sleeping i practice and rehearse all the things i will do the following day.

1. Get up early

2. Eat a sensible, healthy breakfast

3. Play with the animals and get mild house work done

4. Work out

5. Get all affairs in order, pay bills, make appointments call friends/family

6. Take the dog to the park

7. Have dinner ready by the time husband gets home

8. Hang out with said husband and pets

9. Maybe have some sex and go to bed

every night the same rehearsal. and every day the same outcome. i get up alright, in the afternoon. i put my sweats on, putter around, maybe eat, take the dog to the park, wait for husband to come home and then complain about not wanting to make dinner, play with animals, husband goes to bed and i’m up until the wee hours doing god knows what (insomnia’s a bitch, but that’s a whole other post) and every evening im racked with guilt and disappointment. what did i do wrong? when did i give up on my day? why can everyone else do these simple tasks yet i find excuses? why do i want to do so many things yet when i really thing about it, they seem so far away, impossible?

my husband and i just recently moved out of the hell that is l.a. (sorry l.a. mean no disrespect) and to the bay area to start fresh and live near family. we decided when leaving we were going to purge ourselves of all our hand-me-down furniture and begin building our dream living room and bedroom. that was in july and to date the only new thing we have is a bed which we had to buy because the moving company didn’t wrap our stupid mattress and we were greeted by angry little blood sucking bed bugs the first night in our apartment. other than that, nothing. literally nothing. you walk in our house and all our shit that would be in an entertainment center or on a book shelf is in laundry baskets in the corner along with the refrigerator we had in l.a. that we couldn’t use here, our computer chair and the cat tree. now there are advantages to this set up. we have a big open living room to play with our growing australian shepherd and spin around naked while listening to tori amos (me, not my husband i hope). when we moved up here we sat down and made a list of the things we wanted and the cost of these things. we even put them in order of importance and mapped out our finances for such indulgences. yet every month we don’t get anything, have no money left over and just walk past the sad pathetic living room which i swear at night i can hear cry, “please. i just want to be normal like all the other houses and have a couch and tv. pleaaaaaaaaaase.” finally the other night we sat down and again decided this is it! we are making a list of all the things we want to accomplish for the family and for ourselves. as i was walking to make copies of our declaration to tape them in places where they couldn’t be ignored, i thought about motivation and the history.

historically and evolutionarily speaking motivation is an integral part of surviving. thousands of years ago you got up in the morning and hunted some game so your family could eat and survive to propagate your genes. in other words, motherfuckers did anything not to die. then (im summing up quickly) the world start changing, technology, medicine and other luxuries that hadn’t been there before were available and we were using them. now these days unless you live in a third world country (which most of the world does) you pretty much have to try really really hard to die. even if you want to off yourself you can’t, legally. we don’t leave people dying in the streets, if you get taken to a hospital even if they don’t know who you are or if you can pay they will do everything they can to keep your ass breathing. my point being whats the motivation now? why do people work as hard as they do and get up and do the things they want to? and yes to all you jackasses out there that will say even if we’re not having to hunt for food the reason we do any of this is for survival, you’re wrong. do you really need an escalade to survive? do you really need a trip to rome for food? do you really need your designer purses and iphones and shit to propagate? no you don’t. don’t get me wrong i love me some technology, medicine and nice shit. but why?

what’s that inner drive that people have? why do some have so much and others so little? how do you get more? or maybe for me i should be thankful of all the things i have and be content and just stop and live and not keep wanting to up the anti. but i can’t just sit and relax, im human i dream always and dream big. i am constantly curious and always thirsty for knowledge and things. i’m just so damn pissed i can’t seem to get myself to go get them. does that mean i don’t really want them? or does it mean i do want them but i just don’t want to work for it?